On Anxiety

Sat, 09 Sep 2006 01:09:43 GMT

Okay, so I don't know how many of you have issues with being near or anywhere in the vincinity of other human beings but as one such person let me tell you that riding public transportation is a form of hell that I would gladly sell my soul to avoid. Now don't get me wrong, the people on the bus are very nice people and it's not that I think they're creepy or weird in any way. However, the fact that I am near these people, they are near me and god forbid, we make eye contact, is enough to make me want to jump off the next bus stop.

For those of you who are thinking 'what is wrong with this person' I have this to offer: when coming into direct contact with other people makes you slightly afraid for whatever reason, it's not something that is everyone else's fault. I have problems ordering food because I don't like talking to people. This is because I'm a neurotic person with way too much free time but that's entirely beside the point. I'm sure there are some people who have no lives and stumbled across this wonderful little peice of trash and are nodding their heads. Truth is, being near other people is just plain uncomfortable. What's worse is that on the bus some nice people try and talk with me and for the life of me, I can't say anything back. I have on my headphones or my nose buried in a book but at least once a week a well meaning person attempts to strike up a conversation which always ends up like this:

"I see your backpack, are you a student?"

Me: "Uh? Yeah."

Person: "Oh, how interesting! What classes?"

Me: "History, biology, physics..." Usually at this time I begin to trail off, because I have the social skills of a gnat.

Person: Bless their soul, sometimes are genuinely interested. "Oh, how interesting. Are your classes hard?"

Me: *mumbles something incoherent about liking phsyics but not actually doing very well in it*

Person: *begins to pick up on the strong hints that I, regardless of how nice they are, do not want to talk* Oh, I'll just leave you alone then.

Me: *feeling like a little prick because I just ducked out of a conversation in the worst way* Okay...

Variations of this can include whatever book I'm reading at the time or if I was stupid and forgot to turn down my headphones, whatever music I'm listening to.

Now, I know I'm not the beautiful social butterfly of gossip but I'm not actually a quiet person. I like to talk, but it has to be to people I know. Or even slightly know. Otherwise I clam up and want to go hide under my covers clutching my plush toys. Why? I don't know. I'm sure some of you have the same problem. It's just something that develops or doesn't develop as the case may be.

I am trying to change, truth be told. It's slow, and riding the bus system in a futile effort to save gas money is one of them. However, the anxiety that I feel when an unannounced stranger sits next to me, or worse offers me a seat is something that is quite frankly pathetic.

Nah, just kidding. Well, it is pathetic but it's also very real. Yes it's silly and yes it's not very kind to whoever has the displeasure of ending up in my company but at the very least I know that I am trying. Gas money or no gas money this current endeavor is definetly testing out my ability to deal with other people of the human race. Plus now I have more money to spend on the important things in life, such as ice-cream and toys.

So, on anxiety, I have this to say: Even if you're not comfortable around people, take the transit, the extra cash in your pocket will make it all worth it in the end.

~Ice

ice_song

On Anxiety